Dare To Love Again!

Matters Arising with Princess ‘Deun

DARE TO LOVE AGAIN!…

Would you believe in the miracle of finding love after a bitter divorce, a tragic untimely death of a spouse or maybe the painful break-up of a once-upon-a-time good relationship? For me the answer is a definite Yes! But hey I’m a helpless romantic; I believe nothing is over till life itself is over! The fact that you suddenly find yourself in a bit of a haze after any of the above situations, is no reason for eternal damnation to being alone forever!

Be it divorce, widowhood or being an unmarried mother, the aftershock is never pleasant or easy to deal with. You see, suddenly the affected woman becomes a societal pariah! Like she has done something wrong? When 90% of the time you don’t have any control over these happening-stances. You suddenly find that your circle of friends has shrunk somewhat, at times even so called ‘close’ family members see you as more of a burden. To add salt to injury, out there are some not so nice men, ready pick on your bones like vultures! There are a couple of stages which a woman caught in any of these scenarios goes through. Let’s take a look at them step by step…

ACCEPTANCE STAGE…
First is the acceptance stage…The questions arise, is it possible to find love and to love again after a very bitter divorce? Can you still find space in your heart to accommodate another man after such a bad experience with your ex? Will you ever get over the loss of your late husband, whom you shared a wonderful life with? Will any man fill the vacuum his death left in your heart, not to mention the hole the in-laws burnt in your pocket after the funeral? Is it possible for you to give another man a chance after being abandoned by a previous one, who got you pregnant years ago? Do you feel you can trust any man enough to let down your guards one more time? Are you able to throw caution to the wind and give yourself another chance? Me thinks you need to do an assessment or ‘MOT’ on yourself, to ascertain if maybe, somewhere along the way you had some faults too! You then have to accept the results of your personal ‘MOT’…make adjustments and map out the things you need to take on board, for a hopefully fruitful future ahead…Have you arrived at the future yet? Well done, you have now reached the acceptance stage!

FORGIVING STAGE…
Next is the ability to take your first baby steps, it’s like learning to walk all over again. I am of the opinion that love is the very essence of life, without it we shrivel and die! Not the six feet under kind of death, no! I’m talking about the alive-yet-not-living kind of death, you know, the zombie like state. There’s the need to be loved and to love in return. Without sounding cliché, it is a truth universally acknowledged that Love does make the world go round. It’s that special ingredient that keeps us alive within! So I ask that we make a decision to forgive ourselves and any erring ex-partner, let go of any past hurt, disappointment or grief…as the saying goes ‘to err is human but to forgive is divine’.

LETTING GO STAGE…
When we forgive those who have wronged us, it does not mean we will forget as that might be fool hardy! But if we don’t forgive, we will be trapped in a timeless prison where anger and bitterness play the roles of jail bird & warden! And whilst one’s emotions and feelings are still locked up in jail…Hello! whither ones freedom? Also we’ll all agree that the grief one goes through at the passage of a loved one, cannot be wished away by the wave of a hand. We must give room for the tears to flow…that in itself is known to be very therapeutic. In as much as we don’t allow it to lure us into the deep bowels of depression! May I propose that we should learn to let go of pain and let love reign? Even if it’s to start by loving yourself. The freer one’s mind is, the easier it is for one’s heart to love again. Once you get this far and are able to put one wobbly footstep in front of the other, you have reached the moving on stage!

HEALING & MOVING ON STAGE…
We will not go into the numerous things women harbour as their excuses to not give love another chance. Whatever they are, it is best to leave them in the past where they rightly belong, rather than hauling them as excess baggage into a future that has done us no wrong! Women are bound to meet other men along the way, but how prepared are they to let go of all the baggage of the past and embrace the bliss that the future holds? There is a healing period for any of the above circumstances, each time frame different from the other, depending on the individual…and this needs to be respected by all and sundry. For the divorced woman hoping for another chance, I would say with encouragement…It’s your ex’s loss! So start to see yourself as the ultimate for any man and prove that you are, this is your chance! To the widow longing to love again, I would say with empathy…your late loved one in a sense has moved on, after a descent period of mourning, isn’t it time for you to move on too? I bet he would want you to do just that! And to the single mum seeking for true love, I would say with assurance…This is your time to lower your guards, your moment to show yourself and your next suitor that you are the best thing after sliced bread!

DATING CHEMISTRY…
There are few things to look out for and take note of when preparing to re-open one’s heart for the love experience. Dr. John Gray in his book ‘Mars and Venus on a Date’ says, "There are basically four areas of chemistry between dating partners: Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual

• Physical chemistry: Generates desire
• Emotional chemistry: Generates affection
• Mental chemistry: Creates interest
• Spiritual chemistry: Creates love

Physical Chemistry to my understanding is that initial attraction that transmits sparks when a man and woman have their very first eye contact. This is something you can’t miss; your entire body feels it!

Emotional Chemistry is what gradually develops between the two of you; it’s a longing to always be with that person and wanting to know that all is well with them even when you are apart.

Mental Chemistry is when you start discovering that you like doing the same things, that you are intellectually compatible and drawn towards the same interests; call it like-minds or being on the same wave length.

Finally we have Spiritual Chemistry which is all encompassing; it’s that element that puts the cherry on the cake as you both discover you share the same beliefs and moral ethos. There is a one-ness of both minds and a twining of spirits, thus confirming that love is definitely in the air.

But aha! A soul mate…is a combination of all four! As you brace yourselves to re-launch into the love zone again, remember to embrace some of Dr. Gray’s tips and some of my own humble submissions too. Take on board a couple if not all four ‘chemical’ potions… note that the blend of Physical, Emotional, Mental & Spiritual Chemistry is the perfect combination to be found in a true Soul Mate!

This is probably one of the best analysis I have come across whilst broaching on the subject of finding love again and how it can affect our very beings. And if you are not divorced, widowed or single, with kids, but know someone who is…then some nicely arranged match making would definitely help too. Helping people find love happens to be one of my favourite things and you know what? I have had some wonderful success stories! Don’t you like it when God’s plans come together, just as He originally intended!

Meanwhile, may I dare you to love again…till next time on Matters Arising...Let's all continue to ARIZE! and make a Difference!

©Princess ‘Deun Adedoyin-Solarin, UK 2009